Normal people – my friend John, for instance – would simply review the AWESOMOSITY that is Joss Whedon’s Avvengers Assemble aka The Avengers. But I was dropped on my head as a child and am 90% convinced I can perform voodoo with eyeliner, so instead of a bog-standard review, I bring you…
GET THE AVENGERS ASSEMBLE LOOK!
1. Thor. The key to the god’s look is his flowing blonde hair. In the film, his godlike tresses are actually pretty dry and crispy, with a number of split ends. TO recreate the effect, go 1990s old-skool and douse your locks with Sun In!
Sun-In Spray Lightener, £5.77 at boots.com
2. Hawkeye. A tricky one, as no one really wants to recreate Jeremy Renner’s Frank Lampardy chinless goblin face. Why not interpret that “hawkeye” look literally with a novelty target contact lens?
TerrorEyes Target Contacts, £11.95 per lens at eyesbright.com
3. Iron Man. Unless you’re willing to strut around in a merlot (fashion talk for red) and gold clunky suit, which you’re probably not, the best thing to do is go for that Tony “Dyes his hair mid-life crisis much?” Stark look. Layer on plenty of jet-black mascara on top AND bottom lashes for RDJ’s sultry-eyed look.
Supernova Mascara by Fresh, $25 at fresh.com
4. Loki. Okay, he’s the villain, not an Avenger. But his look is KILLER (literally): that swept-back black hair! The faintly purple lips! The green cloak! Key to Loki’s look is his ultra-pale skin: use plenty of SPF and even out your complexion with Nicola Roberts’s Dainty Doll line, made especially for fair-skinned folk.
Loose Mineral Powder Foundation in 002 Light, £19.50, Dainty Doll at lookfantastic.com
5. Captain America. His look is kinda boring actually, and the only way to recreate it with any accuracy is with steroids, which I’d advise you avoid unless you like the pimply micro-peen look, in which case go for your life. But you can totes do the hair with old-fashioned Brylcreem! Opt for the classic packaging for retro appeal.
Brylcreem Original Red Hair Cream, £2.21 at amazon.co.uk
6. Nick Fury. Who WOULDN’T want to rock an eyepatch like Nick Fury? You do run the risk of looking like a throwback to when Gabrielle was in the charts, which is why you should fashion things up with some studs – Topshop are on the money with their amazing leather eye patch, and it’s on sale too!
Studded eye patch, £1.50 at topshop.com
7. Black Widow. Y’all thought I’d go for the obvious red hair dye, right? It’s so clearly the same as Angela Chase’s My So-Called Life look (crimson glow, if you don’t recall), so I took the alternate route and examined ScarJo’s nudey-beige lipstick. Chanel’s Rouge Coco is an awesome texture if you’re after a killer pout.
Rouge Coco in Superstition, £23 at boots.com
8. The Hulk. What else but green lipgloss for “the other guy”? Surprisingly fresh and light for MOTHERFUCKING GREEN LIPGLOSS.
Lustreglass in Spring Bean by MAC, $18.50 at maccosmetics.com