Or, a “check yoself” passive aggressive new year’s Twitter (mostly) resolution list…for OTHER PEOPLE.
1. I don’t care about your Last FM stats.
2. I don’t care about your “new jam”.
3. Definitely go for a “strawberry is my jam” joke, LOL amirite?
4. I don’t care what you unlocked on Get Glue.
5. You are not the “mayor” of anything. Buying an egg and cress on brown in Pret a Manger more than once a week is not a municipal government position.
6. LOL! OMG! Someone in a low-wage menial job who speaks English as a foreign language misspelled my name on a takeaway coffee cup!!!! Here’s a picture!!!
7. “Starbucks red cups” is not a “season”. No, not even if you use the Valencia filter.
8. “Thanks for the RT, @name.” I’m really excited to find out someone retweeted you. Are you lonely, too?
9. Tweet more about your boyfriend, do.
10. Manual RTs of unlocked accounts: you are the devil and no one likes you. But “Ha! RT…” is obviously brilliant, you’ve really added value to the joke and we applaud your effort.
11. DM: “thanks for the follow, add me on Facebook”. I will blow up your ISP.
12. MOAR links to your self-published 99p ebook? What a treat!
13. “Cool, a #FF, let me just reply all to everyone on this list.”
14. “Everyone on my timeline is talking about #TVShow. I don’t watch #TVShow.” God, you’re interesting. Make love to me?
15. Thank you for retweeting that celebrity parody account into my timeline so I know to block it in case of future incidences. Together, we can stop this torment. Wait, you were serious?
16. I think the best solution to feminist infighting proliferated by blogposts is to write a blogpost about feminist infighting proliferated by blogposts about a blogpost about feminist infighting proliferated by blogposts.
17. #justsayin = #justunfollowed
18. Did you just RT a compliment? DID YOU? Go to your room.
19. Follow. Wait for reciprocal follow. Unfollow. Repeat. Marvel at your follower:following ratio! Dive into the sea of that ratio like Scrooge McDuck into a swimming pool of gold coins!
20. “Friday night and I’m staying in with a bottle of wine on the sofa, rock’n'roll hahahahaha!” See also: “Hahahaha I’m 23 and I like [incredibly ordinary activity most people enjoy]. Soooo oooollllllllddd!”
21. Everyone has now seen the picture of the dog dressed as two dogs carrying a present.
22. Ditto the dog dressed as a pirate.
24. I’m so glad you linked your Twitter to your Pinterest and went on a pinning spree!
25. “Wow, today’s date sure does have numbers in it, in an order.”
26. “So fed up with people saying today’s date sure does have numbers in it, in an order.”
27. “So fed up with people complaining about people saying today’s date sure does have numbers in it, in an order.”
28. Tell me more about your opinion on Caitlin Moran.
29. A breaking news incident! Has anyone made a Gazza, chicken and a fishing rod joke yet? To the keyboards!
30. A breaking news incident! A parody account of this would be SO funny!
31. Hashtag games.
32. “One more follower till I reach an arbitrary number!”
34. To properly mourn a celebrity, use the following tweet construction: “RIP, Celebrity Name. [Google, Wikipedia, Ctrl+V famous quote].”
35. RIP, Celebrity. Hilarious pun.
36. That “RIP journalism” tweet with the screen grab of a Katy Perry/Russell Brand news story is A YEAR old. Also you stole it.
37. “Hey, @name, something that is relevant only to you.” So glad you included that “hey” first so we could all join in. See also: “.@name.” Fight, fight, fight!
38. On a similar note, we all love it when you complain to corporations on Twitter and let us all watch. Warm fuzzies!
39. “Hahahahaha! MT @name luv ur mangled txt spk shtning of joke.so u cld fit in ur impt comentary.”
40. “Why is #hashtag trending?” Great question!
41. Your gif avatar doesn’t annoy me at all. *eye twitch*
43. Caring so much about the minor irritations of a free social networking site no one is forcing you to participate in– oh…