I basically follow the same make-up routine every day: concealer on why-da-fuck-do-I-still-gots-blemishes-at-30?; Superdrug’s knockoff version of Benefit’s Posie Tint on cheeks and lips; Nars’s powder Blush in Orgasm on cheeks; eyebrows darkened with a Lancome brown mascara; eyes mascaraed and eyelinered in black with whatever comes to hand in a cat’s eye way; generic nudey pink lipstick. Bam, done. I NEVER wear foundation, I think it looks masklike and weird, ruins your skin and basically ugh, my pores are beautiful!
Despite the super-simplicity of this routine (often made even simpler by my neglecting to remove my eye make-up the night before, so I just need to “top up” the eyeliner like the dirty skank I am), I own A LOT of make-up. And because I am super-nosy about other people’s skincare/make-up/what-have-you (if I’m invited to your house, I WILL nose through your bathroom cabinets), I thought I’d share my collection…
If I were on Desert Island Discs, after picking my songs entirely from the Tindersticks back catalogue, I would choose mascara as my luxury item. Even if I’m wearing no other make-up, mascara gives that BAM! POP! WOW! look. It’s a necessity, like oxygen, gin, or Haribo.
Clockwise from the hot pink tube: The B0dy Shop Big and Curvy Mascara (free with July InStyle!); Rimmel Lash Accelerator Mascara; Rimmel Extra Super Lash (with a curved brush); Fresh Firebird (really light and feathery, like fairy lashes); Estee Lauder Sumptuous Extreme (in Extreme Indigo, the perfect cobalt blue for when you want to go a bit Dynasty); Topshop Mascara in Nettle (a dark green, makes my blue eyes look violet, which I love); Bourjois Liner Effect (waterproof, which I hate, as nothing shifts it, it’s like mascara napalm); Rimmel Volume Flash Mascara x10 (it does not x10 your lashes but it’s pretty good); Topshop Mascara in Carbon.
Continued (from the white tube at nearly 6 o’clock): Topshop Mascara in Blast (navy blue, not as good as the Estee Lauder blue but more subtle, it adds colour but doesn’t lengthen/thicken like the Estee Lauder); Rimmel Volume Flash Mascara x10 (as before, I think the only difference is this one is “black” and the other one is “EXTREME black”, LOL); The Body Shop Super Volume Mascara (an InStyle freebie); Fresh Supernova (ALL TIME FAVE EVER); Miners Voluptulash (how da fuck did I end up with a Miners mascara?); Lancome Hypnose in brown – I use this on my eyebrows to set/darken them, not on my eyes, fascinating eh?
Of these, my fave is Fresh’s Supernova, it’s the BEST EVER for massive thick drag queeny soft lashes, like “OMG are those tiny baby blackbirds nestling on your eyelids?” type effect. Why do I own all these other pretenders when I should just hit up the Fresh shop in Marylebone? Oh yeah, it’s spendy as fuck.
Liz Earle is just the business. The Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser gets off dirt, make-up, London grossness, eye make-up, the works, just whack it on then wipe it off, sometimes I do a double cleanse to get everything squeaky clean. Then the spritzing toner thing is entirely unnecessary but feels nice, I’m a child and like to pretend it’s a flower fairy sneezing in my face but in a nice way?
The moisturiser is basic and, well, moisturising. It makes your face wet and wetness is the essence of moisture, etc. I probs need something a bit more hardcore at night to counteract the fact I’m 100 and also drink 1,000 units of alcohol a day and don’t drink water, but I’m massively sensitive to EVERYTHING and all the hardcore rich creams/fancy brands – Darphin, Creme de la Meh – make me come out in a sexy sexy rash.
Most of my lipsticks are work freebies or from beauty sales at work: I could never afford Chanel or Dolce myself, as if! Need another work sale tbh, I want some Rouge Coco, all mine are ancient Rouge Allures wah wah my diamond shoes are too tight.
From L-R: Chanel Rouge Allure in Evanescent (looks darker here cos I messed about in Photoshop, but a nice 1970s pale brown shimmer); Chanel Rouge Allure in Charisma (dark coral, heart so much); Clarins Rouge Prodige in Barocco (for a gothic Faith from Buffy vibe); Benefit Full-Finish Lipstick in Flirt Alert (killer red, makes me look like the Joker); Chanel Aqualumiere in Cancun (another awesome 1970s brown shimmer look, so Studio 54 I could die); Maybelline Colour Sensational in Pink Brown (the perfect boring neutral for interviews/funerals/boring people); Dolce & Gabbana The Classic Lipstick in Petal (prettiest pink ever! This is what I wear when I want to look like a pretty girl).
Continued: Shisiedo Perfecting Lipstick in Praline (yet another 1970s shimmery brown, why do I think I am Farah Fawcett?); New York Color Lipstick in Air Kiss (shitty wannabe red that’s actually pink); Chanel Rouge Allure in Prodigious (nice deep pink); Maybelline Color Sensational in Pleasure Me Red (bought for the name alone); Estee Lauder Long-Lasting Lipstick in Xxxx Blossom (the label’s rubbed off and it’s a sample shade not a “real” product, it’s a hideous frosted pink for when I want to do an “Ironic Barbie” look, suprisingly often).
The funsies stuff! This is what I bust out for a night discoing/fancy dress/a hot date (like that’s such a frequent occurrence, lolololol)/interviews/partays/etc.
Along the bottom: Bourjois Little Round Pot Eyeshadows in: Name of Product Rubbed Off Because I’ve Owned It Since 2001, Ew Gross; Noir Emeraude (dark sparkly green that’s too dark for me and makes me look like I’ve been beaten, but useful for fancy dress times); Violet Divin (went through a total Alisha’s Attic phase with this under my eyes so I looked permanently sleep-deprived, hot or what); Ashes of Lilies limited-edish in Noir Precieux (again, for the oh-so-attractive black eye effect); Gris Paillettes (actually a nice sparkly grey if you use a brush not a sponge to get max sparkle, minimal colour).
Also on the bottom: Benefit Box O’ Powder in 10, a highlighter/bronzer duo that suits me approx one week out of the year and then only if I’ve basked in the sun like a lizard; my Nars blush in Orgasm, basically the prettiest pink ever, it’s running out and I’m mega-sadface about it; and on the bottom right there, a Smashbox shadow/liner quad in Risque, I mostly use the gold shimmer as a highlighter in the inner corners of my eyes.
Just above the pots on the left there is: Benefit’s High Beam, an essential for when you have Hangover Grey Skin Face, I was given it for Christmas by a pal and I was SUPER hungover, I basically painted it across my entire face like foundation to hide the pallor, it totally worked I looked like a glowing Christmas fairy or possibly I was still drunk. A generic Rimmel black kohl pencil, no one buys these but everyone has them in their make-up bag, like socks. MAC eyeshadow sample in Team Violets, again brilliant for Alisha’s Attic-style undereye bags. Very shimmery.
Top row, from left: Urban Decay Ink for Eyes in Loaded, this is a killer green cream eye thing that doesn’t budge, great for winged liner and also doing “I’m a frog” facepaint, which is good for dates if you want to die alone; 2True Cheek ‘n’ Lip Tint, essentially Superdrug’s version of Benefit’s Posie Tint only 1000x cheaper; Accessorize turquoise eyeliner, really rubbish consistency but amazing colour; glitter tubes from Woolworth’s, I dot Vaseline on my cheeks/eyes then slam this on for mega-sparkles and hit up Koko, I’m the coolest; Urban Decay eyeshadow in Shag (BEST NAME EVER), really nice bronzey-gold for 2006-era Lindsay Lohan eyes, looks great when you have red hair/pale coked-out skin; MAC and Bobbi Brown gel eyeliners, I lost the brushes so I only use these on Halloween with my big brush and also for blackface; shitty powder luminser from a rando brand; BYS blue eyshadow palette a friend sent me from Australia for all my 1980s needs.
In the middle, Mister Mascara lash curlers, essential; Topshop kohl dust for that “Zoolander coal miner” look, it gets EVERYWHERE; and various thick soft eyeliner pencils, the bronzes go well with the Shag eyeshadow.
Terrifyingly this is about 50% of what I own, and I haven’t even shown you the nail varnishes or the 8 million haircare products the lovely Rachael has given me, or all the free skincare bits I get from work. When I move house in a year or so* I am going to have to scale it down MASSIVELY, this stuff would account for its own moving van alone.
*This is an actual thing that is actually happening, life changes afoot, but that’s for another post…